Lately, my little human is testing some limits. His and mine I guess. And he is doing it with two things multiple times in a day.
First, he is constantly climbing onto the small table in our living room. I simply refuse to remove the table because we need it there. And second, he is constantly opening one particular kitchen drawer that is filled with heavy glass bottles full of oil and vinegar. I am not able to childproof that drawer because it is positioned funny and I don’t have other drawers that are tall enough to fit bottles inside.
Yesterday, after I told him “No” for the hundredth time, I caught myself actually yelling at him. I was yelling things like “No”, “How many times do I have to tell you not to open that drawer?”, “Bottles can break and you can cut yourself.”, “You can open that other drawer!”, “Get down from the table!”, and so on… And he just wouldn’t listen to me.
What to do when the child is not listening
And then I realized that I am not doing what I would usually try to do. Ever since I read Janet Lansbury’s book “No bad kids” (this is my go-to book whenever I am stuck with some new kind of little human behavior), I am usually trying to do 4-5 steps. This approach is a combination of positive discipline and respectful parenting in action. I have to admit that it really works great even for a little strong-willed human like mine is. So usually, I would:
- go to him,
- get down on his eye level,
- tell him in a calm voice something like “Oh, I see you like this drawer but I can’t let you open that. Will you please close it back?”,
- suggest some kind of redirection like “You can open this other drawer with pots and see what is in there.”.
- If he won’t stop I would put my hand over the drawer and physically restrict his access to a drawer.
These actions are basic pillars of positive parenting and they almost always work great for us, but in moments when I was in a hurry and all stressed with cooking, cleaning, and L’s constant interruptions, I didn’t even think of them. Just like on autopilot, I continued to repeat myself a hundred times and, of course, that didn’t work. I was just saying things but I didn’t take any action.
Why the child is not listening
It was already late afternoon, a time when L is often overstimulated or overtired if his nap wasn’t long enough. In that state of mind, he is already under a certain amount of stress. And I see that he knows those are the things that he shouldn’t be doing. But it is like he can’t help it. He is just doing it out of impulse. I certainly doubt that he feels comfortable in that state of mind. And when I am yelling, also all stressed out, I am actually just adding new stress to his stress. Then I start to feel guilty because I was yelling, questioning if I am a good mom, and so on. And that is a vicious cycle that helps no one.
What the child needs
What he needs is me to be his safe place and to help him break that stressed cycle he is in. In that moment of impulse, when he is not all himself, he can’t hear me, so just saying things to him won’t work. He needs me to stay calm, confident, and consistent in what I am doing. Even if that means taking physical actions like going to him and restricting his access to undesired behavior.
When I am mindful enough to think of those steps I want to take, he really changes his attitude. In most cases, we don’t even get to this last step where I have to restrict his access to something.
I hope that with time, both I and my little human will learn something. We will learn that mommy really is his calm and safe place and that his undesired behavior really is just an impulse he can’t control. When I am putting his behavior and my role in this perspective, it is much easier for me to stay calm. It is also easier to remember what kind of parent I want to be and which actions I want to take. And when I am calm and confident it is easier for him to stop doing something wrong because then he knows he can count on me to be his safe place.
Conclusion
I don’t know if there was something in the air today or my little human just had enough sleep this afternoon but today, when I said in a calm voice, “Oh, I see you already opened this drawer, can you please close it back?”, he actually closed it. I won’t start to dance my happy dance too soon because I am sure there will be days when one of us will feel short-tempered, but for today, let’s call this a win.
